Taking my toothbrush out of my suitcase to brush my teeth tonight I am paused thinking about some over-looked insight contained in my surroundings.
My living out of a suitcase is in part due to my need for more storage space than my room provides, but also signals the impermanence of my presence here in
Since being here, I have been losing sleep over creating literacy programs involving creative participation for these kids that I think will change their outlook, over communicating with aggressive mothers whom I’ve decided need to take more accountability in their children’s lives and over ways to change, develop and improve the current structure of the Project itself.
Over what?
As more and more factors of this community’s racism, family dynamics, health infrastructure, defense mechanisms are revealed, I am paused thinking about the shallow, but well-intentioned plans that I posture day-to-day. What- given my limited experience here, lack of real cultural understanding and over-zealous assumptions of development- am I expecting to do in 5 months?
It is no wonder that I have been struggling to relate to Yimy, the other afternoon coordinator with a quiet, closed-off personality, but also with depths of insight. Until I had convinced Yimy of many things, chiefly- that I valued his input- conversations were one-sided which made all the communication involved with running an after school program more than difficult. Since the first week we have struggled to see eye-to-eye with regards to our roles and the overall purpose of our after school program. I now realize that what I had over-looked until recently is that within this struggle (that I so wanted to just dismiss) lays an enormous opportunity to see my place within this classroom, this project and even the community.
How great to be idealistic and to generate ideas, but how just and reasonable is it to listen closely to the voices of others albeit a slower more labored method.
Yimy’s greatest un-spoken complaint of the Gringas (American girls) that have work and have worked at Etta Projects before is of their impermanency their stay in Montero and to the project itself. This well-intentioned energy brings new ideas and new idealism temporarily to a community which needs sincere and un-ending commitments. My inability to pledge myself to this mission inherently means that I have two hearts, two lives and that my self-less impermanent efforts in the end make me selfish.
Of course knowing that my input is worth a grain of salt at this point does not discourage me and I am feeling like I have raveled a great misunderstanding that I can begin to fix by putting more time into the interpersonal relationships here. Just because it is more challenging to do this in Spanish does not mean that making new effort to understand the women’s customs, values or perspectives is not important, just harder.
2 comments:
very well said. i've enjoyed your writing. hope all is well ms. b.
Perhaps a deeper understanding of those cultural differences could render a great booklet you could leave for future women as yourself. Although you might not be able to make the lasting, drastic changes of their culture, no matter how posative they seem, clear steps in that direction made by the Etta crew could make the changes you envision. Write it all down, eh.
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